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The COVID 19 pandemic has brought with it many hardships. Whether it be financial or emotional: it’s been rough. With the countless lockdowns and virtual school, life’s become difficult. We all wish this would be over soon. We all wish for better times. And through this, we have been told countless times to “stay positive” or “think happy thoughts”.

But, riddle me this: we’ve spent years trying to normalise discussions around mental health and depression. We’ve spent years trying to normalise talking about one's feelings, learning to say “hey, let's talk about it” instead of “hey, snap out of it”. Why pour all of our hard work down the drain? Well that’s what might end up happening if we let a specific oxymoron become a permanent resident in our lives.

The oxymoron in question is Toxic Positivity .

As perfectly stated by The Psychology Group its “the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations” which “results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience”

Toxic positivity is referred to as the “good vibes only” approach. It’s when someone chooses to invalidate normal, albeit negative, emotions, belonging to themselves or others. Instead they decide to put up a facade of false cherriness. It’s the push for a mental state in which we only show positive emotions with the tendency to react to others suffering and struggles with reductive statements of “positivity”

It’s when someone chooses to invalidate normal, albeit negative, emotions, belonging to themselves or others.

This has been around us for years, decades I presume, but it’s come to light in the pandemic. I say this because nearly all the articles written on this topic were written during the pandemic-time-frame. In fact Dr Jamie Lang from The Psychology Group said that because COVID-19 is so “unpredictable and uncertain” as humans, our “knee-jerk reaction might be to slap on an overly optimistic or positive face to avoid accepting a painful reality,”

But, as Vanessa Van Edwards from the Science of People very aptly said, nothing is more annoying than when you’re pouring your soul out, confiding into someone, telling them what’s on your mind, what’s troubling you and they hit you with a “it’ll all be fine” or a “don’t be so negative” or a “just think happy thoughts” . I can speak personally when I say that yes positivity is great and welcome but sometimes that’s just not what someone needs.

It’s important to understand the harm toxic positivity can cause. Even if it’s not your intention to, you may come off as insensitive and dismissive and the other person may feel you are delegitimizing their emotions. It instantly shuts down the emotional conversation. This could result in loved ones deciding to not come to you with their problems consequently turning your relationships sour. In some cases, it could make people feel ashamed about feeling their emotions. Toxic positivity demonizes “bad” emotions and people will feel that if they are unable to be positive, it’s their fault. This will just throw them into a very unhelpful guilt trip and it could make it even worse for someone already dealing with serious trauma. Situation sound familiar? It’s a bit like where we were before we started normalizing talk around mental health.

A study conducted in 1987 that concluded that when you’re asked not to think about something, it actually makes you more likely to think about it. So maybe think twice before telling someone to “stop being so negative”

You’re all probably replaying conversations in your head to figure out if you’ve said something showing toxic positivity , right? Well the reason I mentioned in my title that it’s something we have all encountered is that, according to my research, common phrases such as “it’ll all be fine” , “it could be worse” and “don’t worry about it” are considered as toxic positivity. But, we have to acknowledge that toxic positivity doesn’t always come from a bad place. Someone could be genuinely concerned about you and your situation but they could have ran out of things to say or just aren’t very good at showing empathy. If that’s you, don’t worry! Just try to make an effort to change your language and show them that you care otherwise, you might come off as insensitive. Let them know that you’re here for them and that you recognise that they’re feeling sad. Ensure them that it’s fine, completely normal in fact, to feel that way. And, if you’re one of the people who just don’t know what to say, let them know that . Tell them “I don’t even know what to say right now, I’m just so glad you told me”. This way you're showing empathy, even if it doesn’t feel like you are. Remember, empathy is stepping into someone else's shoes and showing them you care for them, that you’re listening to then and trying your best to provide what they need

And, if you’re one of the people who just don’t know what to say, let them know that . Tell them “I don’t even know what to say right now, I’m just so glad you told me”

But, there is another side of toxic positivity. This is the type that you do with yourself. It’s when you dismiss your own negative feelings and convince yourself positivity is the only way forward . It can be very damaging to your own mental state. A 1997 study found that “emotional inhibition may influence psychological functioning.” For example, you might think of something in your life that just really sucks and then you may think of somebody else or something you heard in the news that is arguably worse. This would lead to you dismissing your own feelings of sadness as irrelevant, telling yourself “it could be worse”. I would argue that, while that seems noble and correct, there is no shame in feeling sad for a while.

All this just teaches us that one of the fundamentals when dealing with mental health is the language we use. Language can validate our experiences or negate them. Whether it is to someone else or to ourselves, what we say and how we say it is important.

My initial idea for writing this was to inform. I wanted to make people aware of this “oxymoron”. But as time and life went on, as I did research for this I realised that this is a truly dangerous thing. And, like with many things, the COVID 19 pandemic has brought this problem to surface, it hasn't created it.

I would like to make clear what my message is. I am not saying that positivity is bad . I am not saying that you shouldn’t help your friends get out of their slump. I am saying that excessive, ill timed positivity is bad. There is a fine line between realistic positivity and toxic positivity, a fine line between reality and fake, empty words. Keep in mind that positivity pushed to the extreme can do more harm than good. Equally there is a difference between being realistic and being negative. So, don’t take this the wrong way and start being negative and overly critical. Just read the room and adjust your positivity accordingly.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and while this article expresses mine, remember that it is based on my personal experiences and beliefs. I don’t want to sway anyone, I merely want to open people’s eyes to a problem that definitely exists.

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